Grieving (Stanley Strong)

Stanley

I drove past Stan’s shop the other day and was hit by a wave of hurt. He is still not there. He is supposed to be there. He isn’t coming back. He isn’t coming back. Six months after he died and I still look for him. All the stuff I wanted to say to him the next time we spoke is still waiting to be said. My eyes start to leak. Hell, I should call it by it’s name…. I am crying. I am crying I cry I don’t want to cry. I don’t know why half a year after his death I still cry when I pass his place or when I sit down and think about him not being anywhere. The big smile under the bushy mustache anytime I passed by his shop. We weren’t that close. We were as close as brothers who have a few things in common. Man, this aches right in the middle of my chest. It feels like a giant hand is squeezing my heart not enough to stop it but enough to make it have to really work. I don’t only miss Stan when I pass by the shop. Stan is in my garage too. My bike has a couple little drips that Stan was gonna get to when I brought the bike in some time. Two years of riding and we were gonna get to those drips. We both knew without saying it that if he didn’t get to the drips when I brought the bike in it was a good reason for another visit. I must have stopped in 10 times to deal with those drips only to leave after a good chat with plans to drop by next week to deal with them. We had time. The time we had together was so much more important than the bike or the drips or any of the material things that surrounded us. I’m not guessing at that, we actually talked about it. We had advice for each other. What we shared flowed both ways. And now it doesn’t flow at all. My eyes flow from time to time when I think of him. Did I really appreciate him this much when he was alive? Did he know it? Yeah, he knew it. Stanley was one of the guys who would say “I love you” to me while surrounded by gruff biker dudes and it was not awkward. And I would say “I love you” right back. One day this might not hurt so much, but today it still does.