Grieving (4/26/18)

When is it okay to not be okay? Drowning in air, unable to breath as the muscles constrict daring me to stop breathing. Fighting breathe unsure why I am fighting when succumbing would be so much easier. My vision blurs allowing me to see only what I don’t look at and nothing that I try to see. I would cry but that would only make my vision worse. All this for what? What is the root of this? Are these feelings and emotions just visiting or did I create them am I creating them? Is this normal? I am saturated with…. This….. It has no name. “This” is the brick that is sitting on my diaphragm making it hard to breath, not allowing space for my heart to beat normally. “This” is the brick of false reality that signifies that “This” is not a fantasy, “This” is real. And yet “This” is not real. There is no brick, even though it feels like there is. “This” is not real, there is nothing to fear. “This” is not real, I am okay even though I  feel “This”.  Fantasy, Dream, Nightmare, Reality, Feeling, Fact all blur into “This”. Why am I creating “This”? Or Wha is creating “This”? What am I to learn from “This”? And I have just shifted from feeling “This” with my heart to rationalizing “This”with my head. I am not sure that my head and my heart will ever be able to reconcile their accounts. And I don’t care if they do because for the moment I am distracted by that dilemma and I can breathe. I am okay within the distraction. I am okay and I am also not okay, for now.